


fear(less)

by spilled_notes



Series: Utterances [9]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 17:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8498692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spilled_notes/pseuds/spilled_notes
Summary: For the prompt 'things you said when you were scared'.  A phone call, a plane ride, a taxi journey - and here Bernie is, on Serena's doorstep.





	

 

‘Please, Bernie. Nothing’s right without you.’

Jason’s words go round and round in Bernie’s mind as the plane hurtles through the sky. As the taxi speeds through the night, the rhythmic flash of passing streetlights like a heartbeat against her closed eyelids.

And then here they are, too soon and not soon enough.

And here she is, abandoned on the pavement outside Serena’s house as the taxi pulls off. She imagines her fear still in the back seat, being driven miles away so it can’t get in the way, can’t destroy her life – Serena’s life, Jason’s life – again.

Fearless, Serena had called her, on that fateful night on the operating theatre floor. Oh, if only she’d known.

_Fearless_ , Bernie thinks. _Fear, begone!_ She takes a steeling breath. _Right._ Picks up her case, opens the gate, strides up the path. Pushes down the butterflies, ignores the nauseating swoop of her stomach as she reaches for the knocker, the metal icy cold against her fingers.

*          *          *

Serena opens the door in pyjamas and a fluffy dressing gown, face bare and eyes tired. For a moment she just stares at the woman in front of her, suitcase at her feet. And there’s the spark of a smile, unstoppable because however much she’s hurting, what she most wants – what she’s most wanted for weeks – is right here.

‘Running away or moving in – no half measures with you, are there?’ she says dryly, fighting to keep her voice from betraying her emotions.

‘I’m sorry,’ Bernie begins. ‘I-’

Serena silences her with a raised hand, steps aside and waits.

‘Unless you want to do this on my doorstep?’ she asks, eyebrow raised.

Bernie takes a breath – not deep, because on seeing Serena her rib cage seems to have become too small for her lungs to expand properly, but a breath nonetheless. She picks up her case and steps inside, feeling Serena’s warmth as she passes.

Serena closes the door, locks it. For a moment she stands facing the wood and glass, trying to compose herself, forcing the warring desires to yell at her or kiss her to calm.

When she turns around Bernie is standing uncertainly in the middle of the hall, looking lost and afraid and gazing at her from under that blasted fringe like she’s terrified but – _oh_ , like she’s come to a decision. And Serena doesn’t know whether to be joyful or heartbroken, the damn woman gives so little away. But she steps towards her, away from the safe, solid door, and glimpses a warm glimmer in her eyes.

_Don’t get your hopes up_ , she warns herself. Although it’s too late for that, she knows. Her hopes were up as soon as she saw her, as soon as she realised that Bernie had sought her out _here_ and not at work: personal, not professional.

‘I’ve missed you,’ Bernie says softly, tentatively. ‘I’ve missed my friend.’

‘Just your friend?’ Serena asks.

Time seems to stand still in the breath before Bernie answers. Unlike before she pays attention to Serena’s voice, her eyes, realises she’s risking giving her an escape that she doesn’t want her to take.

‘No. But my friend most of all. Whatever else we are, or could be, you’re my best friend. And I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you.’

‘Why did you go?’ Serena asks, forcing a steely edge to her voice even as relief floods through her.

‘Because it’s what I do,’ Bernie says helplessly.

‘I wasn’t the one who needed time and space, was I?’

Bernie shakes her head, gaze dropping to the floor.

‘Why couldn’t you just tell me that?’ Serena raises her eyes to the ceiling in an attempt to hold back her tears.

‘I panicked. And I didn’t know how. Expressing my emotions isn’t something I’m good at.’

‘Ha, no, you can say that again.’ Serena realises she’s fighting a losing battle and looks at Bernie, allowing the tears to fall. ‘Why did you stay there?’

‘Because-’ Bernie sighs, bites back the easy lie: _because they needed me._ No more lies. She falls into them when she’s scared, but look where that got her. Time for the truth, Wolfe. ‘Because I wasn’t ready to come back. Wasn’t ready to face you.’

‘Am I really that scary? So scary that you couldn’t do me the courtesy of replying to my email, even if you couldn’t face seeing me?’

‘What email?’ Bernie frowns.

‘The one asking you to come back.’

Bernie feels her heart clench. ‘I- I didn’t get it,’ she breathes.

‘What?’

‘I didn’t get an email from you, Serena, I swear.’

Serena’s breath leaves her body all in one go, and suddenly she isn’t sure her legs will hold her up. ‘You- you didn’t?’

Bernie shakes her head, finally meets Serena’s eye for more than a fleeting instant. ‘You asked me to come back,’ she says quietly.

‘Yes. Although maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t get it because I didn’t say it right.’

Bernie frowns, waits for her to continue.

‘I said that the hospital needs you. Which is true, but it, uh,’ she trails off, fingers rising to grip the collar of her dressing gown. ‘What I- what I should’ve said – what I wanted to say but didn’t think you’d want to hear – was that _I_ needed you. Need you.’

Stunned, Bernie can’t respond, but it doesn’t matter because now she’s started Serena can’t seem to stop.

‘I was so angry with you. Do you know, I’m the- the laughing stock of the entire hospital?’

‘I’m so sorry, Serena.’

‘And do you know what the worst part is?’ she continues, as if Bernie hadn’t spoken. ‘I still bloody love you.’

‘What?’ Bernie breathes, feeling as if she’s been stabbed.

‘You heard me.’ Serena’s crying properly now, but her voice is firm – sharp, even. ‘I love you. And all I’ve wanted is to have you back.’ She laughs wetly. ‘And now I’ve probably gone and scared you off again, haven’t-’

She’s cut off by Bernie’s lips against hers, desperate and needy and fierce. After a split second of shock she kisses her back, just as fiercely, one hand winding almost painfully in Bernie’s hair, the other fisting in her coat.

Bernie only pulls back when they need to breathe, and then only as far as she has to.

‘I’m scared, Serena,’ she admits. ‘But I’m done running.’

‘Are you sure? Because I can’t go through that again.’

‘I’m sure. Serena, I-’ Bernie hesitates.

‘You don’t have to say it,’ she soothes. ‘Not yet, not until you’re ready.’

Bernie smiles gratefully and Serena kisses her again, tenderly, deeply, thumb sweeping across her cheekbone, then draws her close, revelling in the feeling of holding and being held.

‘I should go,’ Bernie says eventually, raising her head from where it’s been resting against Serena’s.

‘Don’t be silly. It’s late, and you must be exhausted. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to let go yet.’

*          *          *

They lie pressed together, legs tangled, Serena’s head on Bernie’s shoulder.

‘I’d better not wake up and find this was all a dream,’ Serena murmurs.

‘I’d better not wake up and find I’m still in Kyiv.’

They shift, settle even closer, bodies becoming accustomed to each other. Bernie nuzzles into Serena’s hair, breathing her in.

‘I love you,’ she says into the darkness, and feels Serena smile against her skin. Bernie tightens her embrace, presses a kiss to the top of Serena’s head. ‘I love you,’ she repeats, when the world doesn’t explode around them. ‘Oh Serena, I love you.’


End file.
